Hello, my name is Olivia and I’m a neurotic perfectionist. They say admitting the problem is the first step. I’m not going to sit there and spend 30 minutes straightening a painting mind you, and I’ve certainly “decorated” cakes that looked like a 2 year old did it. No I don’t always take it quite that far but I do have what are considered “unreasonably high standards” that I set for myself. As such I tend to catalog and replay, for no reason at all, every time I’ve failed to meet that standard or live up to what I know my full potential is. I practically have a full NFL commentary running on each incident.
Of course this need to be my absolute best is what drives me, at my best, and can completely freeze me up at my worst. There were several years of depression where I literally could not function because I was stuck in this zone of spiraling failure that my brain had predetermined every event outcome to be. While the down side is debilitating, ultimately this attitude is the engine for my bottom line: “I Make It Happen.” Now this bottom line gets me into trouble sometimes because I will forgo convention, and occasionally unintentionally hurt feelings in my quest to get something finished. I’m a fairly considerate person and so it’s usually a round-about stepping on toes. Mostly because I just have no patience for things I perceive to be “time wasters” and would rather see something get done correctly myself than leave it up to someone else if it results in a lot of wasted time explaining things.
Let me try to explain from a recent example. If standard protocol dictates I follow a set order that makes it impossible to complete my end goal on time I will improvise, manage or generally do whatever it takes to find an alternate route. If this means I pick up the slack where other people are failing, I do it, usually without complaint because my only concern is making sure I get the job done. I really don’t get upset if it means I put something together that normally a vendor or teammate would do. In the process the person being displaced can feel made useless, ignored or worse if a superior, undermined. That’s never my intention and I have discovered I need to be more aware of this in the future. I’m just used to a “no excuses, make it happen” mindset.
I once tried to use an excuse to get out of something deliberately as a child. It is always stuck in my mind as the 4th grade ruler incident. I had some math homework I didn’t feel like finishing and I was cutting corners so I could go play outside. One question called for a ruler and since I couldn’t find one in the house, I didn’t bother with the problem. In class the next day I was called on to answer that question. I shot my teacher a shit eating grin and replied that since I didn’t own a ruler at home I couldn’t have done the problem. I loved this teacher. Basically every child in my school worshipped her.
She turned an icy gaze on me and told me that was no excuse and walked on. I felt disgusted with myself. I was mad at myself for letting her down and even angrier still at myself because I knew she was right. I could have figured something out, or at least put some sort of work into the problem. I tried my hand at the idea that it was the world’s fault and found it just wasn’t for me. I remember this incident of course, because I remember every time I have ever felt that deep twinge of disappointment in myself for failure to live up to what I know I could do. I just wish this same positive force didn’t have the power to freeze me, shut me down and make me feel fatalistic when I fail.
This is a fantastic recipe that comes together pretty quickly on a weeknight for those with a need to overdo it. The recipe is made with coconut milk and coconut cream (think of it as a reduced coconut milk) but keep in mind that coconut milk isn’t actually dairy but be sure to check the label in case your company mixes in milk. Making this the most vegan, lactose-intolerant delicious parve meal ever. Can’t find coconut cream? It’s easy to make from coconut milk–simple pour a second batch into a glass, refrigerate and allow the fats to separate. What rises to the top is your coconut cream. Keep in mind this is also really more of a fall recipe when there are bountiful sweet pumpkins for sale at the market. Unfortunately I haven’t applied my work ethic to this blog as of yet and I’m sitting on a backlog of recipes I never put together or blog posts I never wrote. I’m attempting to change this in the coming weeks.
Do or Do Not. Damn okay I should say attempting, I should say AM changing this week. Yoda is no friend to half-assed blogging attempts.
Creamy Pumpkin and Cashew Curry Read more