I know so many young adult men who are single and I keep wondering why. Before you start whistling the kettle that my pot is calling black, I’m not going to yenta any of these friends unless they ask for it. As president of the “single and happy about it” club I fully respect those loud and proud in their relationship status…but I know not all of them are happy about it. Yet despite being able to say they want something more, they don’t seem to know how to go about doing it. Guys don’t think it’s just you either. It’s 2013 and plenty of ladies can be the ones to initiate a date—and we know it. So ladies get to share in the horror of the asking too and it’s no less terrifying to be a girl in that situation I promise you.
The process of initiating a first date can be intimidating. Does the mere thought of asking a girl out give you sweaty palms and heart palpitations? Are you struggling with just the right, witty first line to impress her? Are you reading every body signal and analyzing if her thanks for picking up the pencil she dropped is a sign that she’s ready to have babies with you? Well STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
It’s not that complicated. Trust me. You aren’t going to find some magical pick up line that makes her love you forever and ever and ever…. Sure there are those amazing stories from romantic comedies that make the story of “how I met your mother” seem legend…. But they aren’t real and they aren’t realistic either. I promise you that no girl (I can’t speak on behalf of guys but I imagine this hold true with them) will think any less of this opening line:
“Hi, I’m ____. I’ve seen you around work/the building/wherever and wanted to finally introduce myself.”
Now what? Now you let her introduce herself. If she doesn’t walk away, you move on to the second part of the process.
“It’s nice to meet you her name. I was wondering if you were available at all for coffee or maybe even dinner sometime?”
That’s it. That’s all it will take if the object of your affection, hereto known as the OoA, is at all interested in going out with you. You don’t need to offer any sort of compliment—you can but it’s not needed and things like “you have the most beautiful eyes” can sound cheesy depending on the girl or the delivery. I promise you, you don’t need it. Save the compliments for the date if it’s received. That’s when you want to use them. Trust me you aren’t going to change her mind for a date by telling her she looks pretty; the mere fact that you are asking her out pretty much set the expectation that you find her attractive. Now there are some girls who will love a huge romantic gesture, this is true, but to others it can scare them off. If you keep it simple, stupid, you don’t run into any risk of seeming too…well too anything. Too interested, too apathetic, too boring. Simple is good. Save the complexity for the date.
Which brings me to the most crucial part of the asking out: setting the date. Don’t leave it up in the air. Be prepared with a date, a place and a time. Offer these up but be flexible for her schedule or dietary preferences. “I know a great place for coffee. How about Tuesday at 6?” and then let her respond and beyond all be flexible if she suggests some-when or somewhere else. Unless it’s a local skinhead bar. Then run away.
But Olivia what about if they say no? How do I handle that kind of rejection? *Sigh* Okay I’m going to try to explain this without going past a second page.
“We make time for the things that are important to us.”
There’s so much truth in such a simple little statement like that. Right now my life priorities are still: Family, Work, Health, Passions and Friends…followed by everything else. Notice what’s not on there? Funny business aka romantic interludes. The fact that I’m not willing to make time is a good indicator of how serious I am about it—and that’s not at all. So guys and gals, if the object of your affections can’t be tied down to a time and a place…well then this person just isn’t that invested and you shouldn’t waste too much time on it either. But don’t take it personally and don’t think it means there’s something wrong with you. Just let it be. Make a second attempt to connect if she doesn’t respond to your initial text or phone call about the date–she may have accepted tenuously but just has been too busy to follow up. That being said if she just can’t commit to it on a third try just let it go because as the book title says “He/She’s just not that into you” and it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. The worst thing is to send a barrage of messages, to get too personal, to get rambly…. Do NOT send a message about your past relationships or how eager you are. Just be simple, flexible and reserved. When you throw too much emotion at someone whose middle name you don’t even know…they’re gonna bolt. You might ask out 100 people and get 1 positive response back and that’s okay because I’m telling you that of those 99 rejections, 99% of them have nothing to do with you. One might. Maybe she saw you picking your nose or getting into a parking lot fight, I don’t know, I’m just playing the odds here.
I mean I’m not dismissing offers for any reason to do with the date-asker-outer. It has nothing to do with appearances, personality or any aspect of their physical presence. I just can’t even fathom making the time to emotionally invest in something that intense and I have so many things to juggle…I can’t have the responsibility of handling someone else’s emotions on that level. Your OoA (Object of Affection) might have too much on their plate for romance. Or you might a gross slob. Look in the mirror and get real and we’ll talk about what to do if you ARE in fact kind of a slob on another day.
In the meantime here’s a surefire way to get some dates into your day honey-muffin. Bwahahaha segue? CHECK!
Honey Date Muffins
An Olivia Original Read more